The man she was married to for 15 years told her that he doesn’t love her anymore, and she admits that her intuition tried to tell her that for years in the marriage, but she just didn’t listen.
‘I don’t think I love you anymore. I don’t think I want to be married anymore and I don’t want to have kids,’ my husband said before he got down on one knee and asked me in all honesty when was the last time he told me he loved me and that he meant it.
As I stared into his huge eyes, all I could think was if he was really asking me that…I wondered when the love left our marriage and how I missed it. After hearing his words, I threw myself into gear, doing everything I could to save the marriage – says the American author, announcer and relationship coach, Nicole Rogers, who tried everything to convince him to stay.
She called his family and loved ones. friends, asking them to intercede on her behalf. She found a couples therapist and started going. She also called his lover and told her to never talk to him again, and she also called the man with whom she had an affair and told him it was over. go out until he promises to stay. Nothing worked. Our marriage was falling apart and I couldn’t stop it. And it all fell apart in the next six weeks,” says Rogers.
After a traumatic last therapy session, in which her husband just talked about how amazing his girlfriend was and suggested a six-month trial separation so he could try a new relationship, she reached her breaking point and said – We left the therapist’s office and I told him to go home and pack his bags.
He left, and I went in the opposite direction, because my whole body was in shock. I was walking, but I could barely feel my legs and called my mother hysterically. She begged me to turn around and go back to the therapist, which I did – she admits.
When she returned to her door, the therapist looked at her with sympathy. – I sat down and everything just poured out of me. All my anger, all the ways I tried to save the marriage, and all the confusion and panic about what the future held. She looked at me and said that I must be exhausted. That stopped me cold. She named this feeling I had in my body. A feeling I had for years in my marriage, but I didn’t understand it. Looking at the huge amount of energy I spent, I realized that I was completely exhausted – she says.
How long she fought for her marriage, as well as how long she fought with herself to stay in that marriage, are the questions that ran through her mind. .- My husband asked for a divorce, but I wanted a divorce – thought Rogers.
The therapist offered her to keep coming, and she is very grateful for every visit. She began to realize her exhaustion and look at her actions in the last fifteen years.
– I saw how I was always there for my husband. I saw that no matter how talented he was, we had very different aspirations for our careers. I saw how, even though we had been trying to conceive for a year and a half, he was never excited about becoming a father. I saw that my dreams of success, a loving family, and constant growth were in stark contrast to his slower pace and desire to be the cool guy who never changes. Although I thought we were on the same page, now it was obvious that we were not – the woman admits.
‘Passivity is action,’ the therapist told her. ‘The person actually says no’, she explained to her, when she actually realized that her husband had been saying ‘no’ to her for years.
– I was in my late thirties and I wanted to have a family, but I was afraid that I would marry another version ex. That’s why I vowed to heal this exhaustion and learn what it feels like to be with a man who would say ‘yes’ to my dreams – points out Rogers.
Working with a therapist, she remembered how she felt, as well as all those years of hard work in marriage and exhaustion, then closed her eyes and imagined the opposite.
She wondered if she hadn’t tried so hard to change her man or to convince him, what would she have left, and she realized that in that case she would have felt relaxed, open and confident, in the mood to receive love. As she entered the world of dating for the first time in her life, she paid a lot of attention to how she felt in her body around them.
– At first it was very uncomfortable, but my dream of a family and what I wanted in a partnership kept me going. If I felt I needed to change a man, I would stop dating him. When I felt really exhausted, I would keep going, she said.
She dated many men and continued to ‘practice’ for several years, until one day she had her first date with a blue-eyed man who greeted her with a big smile.
After walking through the botanical garden and the museum, they went to eat, and when she ‘checked’ her body, she felt something new for the first time on a date. – I felt relaxed. It was the last first date in my life, with a shared vision of creating a family. We got married a few years back – admits Rogers.
While she was dating guys, one of the hot topics was the ‘unavailable man’. She read articles, listened to podcasts and experts talking about it effortlessly.
– What I learned is that ‘unavailable’ means that the person says ‘no’ to what I wanted. They ultimately wanted different things in life and we weren’t on the same page. And most importantly, I could feel it in my body – she explains.
Her body, she says, was sending signals about the feeling of availability and unavailability. Unavailability, according to her, was tense and exhausting, while availability was open and relaxed.
– For years in my marriage, my body tried to tell me that we were not on the same page. It wasn’t just my ex who said ‘no’, it was me too. I didn’t feel relaxed and open. Neither of us was available, which is probably why we both cheated on each other. And definitely why our relationship ended. My ex didn’t put up a fight when it came to the divorce. Instead, he moved on with his life and stopped talking to me completely. I imagine that on some level he finally relaxed too. We actually have so much wisdom within us. Our bodies always communicate where we actually are – explained Rogers.
What if feelings of tension and exhaustion are actually just ‘holy’ incentives to look for them elsewhere; what if your body always directs you towards love, Rogers asks.
– As I learned, relaxation would be an invitation to the partnership I always wanted. It should not have been forced or based on changing the other person. I could finally learn what it means to be available for love and to be in the company of someone who is on the same page – she concludes.